Monday, November 9, 2009

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

So I geuss its time for an update here.

I've finished up the Fall Rep at Great Lakes and for the last week have been looking for some other gainful forms of employment. I just got offered a part-time position at Toys R Us for the holidays. So as far as holiday work goes I think that will be pretty fun. I also have an interveiw tomorrow with Jo Ann Fabrics for a part-time holiday position. And last but certainly not least I have a job with a company called Party for a Living that does corprate events and kids birthday parties a with costumed characters. This weekend I did balloon animals and face-painting at the Akron Zips game, and this coming weekend I will be playing various princesses for a couple of birthday parties for little girls: Cinderella and possibly the Little Mermaid! So thats not so bad and with any luck by the end of the week I will have 3 different jobs!

The last week has been interesting. I'm not really used to not having much of anything to do all day. Its been rough having so much free time really. Lots of time to think, lots of time by myself. I don't think I realized when I graduated college what a difficult time this was going to be in my life. I never really let myself think about it, I always just assumed it would be fine, and I would find some work in my feild that I'd enjoy and that Kyle would be there. And now thats all changed. I have some plans now for what to do with myself as far as work, but I'm still going to have to wait until spring now before I can move to NYC and until then I'm just sort of in this holding pattern.

And I mean none of that stuff is really all that bad, I'm sure everyone goes through some version of it at this point in their lives. It's just been made more difficult by the fact that I spent a year getting used to having someone I loved by my side every second of the day, and now they have completely disappeared from my life. So losing that support, that companionship, has been especially difficult. It's been a very lonely couple of weeks.

Everyone that I've talked to about this says that I just need some time and it will start to slowly get better. So far I haven't made much progress on that front, but I'm hoping that once I start working again I won't have so much time to dwell on it. Everyone just says that, quite frankly, its just going to suck for a while but eventually the sun will come out again. I'm trying very hard to believe them all, and try to see all these bad feelings I'm having as just a passing thing and not a permanent situation. I've never had to deal with anything like this before and there have been moments over the past few weeks when I've acted completely crazy, but I'm hoping those moments will get fewer and farther between. There are good days and bad days. Times when I think it's good that I don't have anything holding me back at this time in my life, and times where I feel completely lost without him. I'm realizing that I have some self-esteem issues that I need to deal with. And also that I need to stop blaming myself for what happened.

So basically I am definately not better in any way. But I have hope that eventually I will be better. It's a hard time, thats all, and I need to count on the people that really care about me: my friends, and my family. I need to get it through my own head that I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was and that someone better will come along eventually. Someone who can be as honest with me as I am with him.

So I wait. Wait for the sun to come out. Until then I work as much as I can so I can get to NYC as fast as I can. And try not despair. This too shall pass. It's only a matter of time.