Monday, October 26, 2009

new beginnings

The amazing and beautiful lauren moore has inspired me to start a blog of my own. I have decided that since I'm going to be moving around a lot in the next few years this will be a great way to keep everyone updated on whats been going on with me.

For the last two months I have been working for Great Lakes Theatre Festival as a dresser and actor (Lady in Waiting #2 in Twelfth Night) but the Fall Rep will be closing on Sunday and so I started the search for a new job today.

So you might be wondering what my master plan is these days... well I'll tell you. I was excepted into Shakespeare and Company's Month- long intensive program, and that starts December 29th so as of right now my immediate goal is to figure out a way to pay for it. In total it costs 4,200 dollars (Yikes I know) and I was able to pay for the first half out of my savings from working in Idaho this summer and my Great Lakes job. Not quite sure where the other half is coming from as of yet. I am trying to apply for a scholarship that will cover the second half but haven't really been able to find a lot of info on it. If I cant get that then the plan is to get another job and work as much as possible before December 29th to get enough to pay for it, and to pay for my student loan payments that start in january (eep!) plus insurance of various kinds until I get back and can get another job.

Upon my return from Massachusettes (home of shakes&co.) I plan to try to find another job of any kind and save up some more copious amounts of money so that in the spring I can move to NYC! That won't be until May though now since I'm hoping to wait until the class of 2010 graduates so i can live with Ryan Jagru and some other people.

And from there... I geuss we'll just see what happens. I'm still planning to audition for A Midsummer Night's Dream at Great Lakes but am not holding my breath at this point to get that job. I think going to New York is just what I need right now though. I have discovered over the last 5 months that doing Wadrobe work is just not for me. I am entirely too self involved for it and it just makes me bitter that I have to dress actors and not get to act myself.

And the other reason I'm ready to leave- well, Kyle and I are finally over. And though I won't get into detail here of exactly what happened and why, suffice it to say that I'm mad and still hurting pretty badly about the whole thing. And what I really need to do now is pursue those things that I have always wanted to pursue and not worry about him anymore. If we were still together I never would have left for New York, so maybe this is the right thing to be happening. There's no longer any excuse not to go and give this whole acting thing a real try. Still, it hurts. Still, I'm lonely and insecure. But its time for something new now. Its just going to take some time to really start feeling good again. It only happened last monday so this whole last week has been a distaster of epic proportions. I've been a mess, I lost 4 pounds this week (not good let me assure you, I'm skinny enough as it is), but now I'm finally calming down. It helps that today I actually had a day off for the first time in two weeks- some time to sleep and collect my thoughts- look at things rationally.

Its going to be a while before I'm ok but it will happen eventually. I'm just trying to concentrate on the future right now and doing what I want to do with my life. There won't be anymore boys for a while though and I've got to learn to be ok with that. It's time to set out into the world alone and see what I find. The only scary part about that is the alone part, but in a few months hopefully it won't seem so scary anymore.

So this is a whole new beginning... I'll keep you posted.