Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Off to Massachusettes!

Ok so here I finally am in Lennox Massachusettes at Shakespeare and Company. I arrived last night and today will be my first official day. I am really excited about this, I am pretty positive that its going to be a really great expierience for me and worth every penny of the money I spent on it. So far I have only met a few people since we haven't officially started class yet. My roommate is Irene and she is from Ireland and loves the color pink! She is so adorable I can hardly stand it and her accent is beautiful to listen to. There are also two other people from Ireland besides her and two from Australia! I was surprised to find out that people come from so far for this program. There are forty people here and I have met about 10 all from different states and almost all of which arer older than me. So far I only know of one other person who is younger than I am and I'm hoping that won't hold me back. I haven't been the youngest in a while.

For the program we had to pick a sonnet and a monlogue. My monologue is Ophelia from Hamlet Act II scene i. And my Sonnet is number 90 and I love it more everyday here it is:

Then hate me when thou wilt, if ever, now,
Now while the world is bent my deeds to cross,
join with the spite of fortune, make me bow,
And do not drop in for an after-loss:
Ah do not, when my heart hath 'scaped this sorrow,
Come in the rearward of a conquered woe,
Give not a windy night a rainy morrow,
To linger out a purposed overthrow.
If thou wilt leave me, do not leave me last,
When other petty griefs have done their spite,
But in the onset come, so shall I taste
At first the very worst of fortune's might.
And other strains of woe, which now seem woe,
Compared with loss of thee, will not seem so.

So you can probably tell why I picked that one. Today we have like an orientation and some other stuff but they aren't really telling us what exactly we'll be up to all day. They said they keep the schedule a secret so that people dont stress about it and so that everyone stays more present and doesnt worry about whats coming next. Evidently we are doing something for New Years but they wont tell us what. They simply said it would be "memorable" so thats exciting.

As for the town of Lennox Massachusettes: it is beautiful and FUCKING COLD so far. It looks like a little Christmas toy town with little Victorian houses and yarn shops and Mom and Pop restaurants. The grocery store has like 5 iles. I love it. Last night we ate at Betty's Pizza and this Morning I got a bagel sandwhich at Lennox Bagel. Its just the cutest ever.

So basically I'm really excited and having a good time so far. I like not knowing what to expect and being excited to wake up in the morning. So who knows what the next month will bring. The only thing I know for sure is that its going to be cold, and thats just fine with me. I am also hoping to go skiing at some point and take a trip to Boston on one of our days off.

I also won't really be reachable during the day since we aren't really supposed to carry cell phones around. But if you would like to write me a letter (which I would LOVE you for) here is the address:

Erin Eva Butcher
c/o Shakespeare & Company
70 Kemble Street
Lenox, MA 01240

I love you all! Have a Happy New Year!

Monday, November 9, 2009

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

So I geuss its time for an update here.

I've finished up the Fall Rep at Great Lakes and for the last week have been looking for some other gainful forms of employment. I just got offered a part-time position at Toys R Us for the holidays. So as far as holiday work goes I think that will be pretty fun. I also have an interveiw tomorrow with Jo Ann Fabrics for a part-time holiday position. And last but certainly not least I have a job with a company called Party for a Living that does corprate events and kids birthday parties a with costumed characters. This weekend I did balloon animals and face-painting at the Akron Zips game, and this coming weekend I will be playing various princesses for a couple of birthday parties for little girls: Cinderella and possibly the Little Mermaid! So thats not so bad and with any luck by the end of the week I will have 3 different jobs!

The last week has been interesting. I'm not really used to not having much of anything to do all day. Its been rough having so much free time really. Lots of time to think, lots of time by myself. I don't think I realized when I graduated college what a difficult time this was going to be in my life. I never really let myself think about it, I always just assumed it would be fine, and I would find some work in my feild that I'd enjoy and that Kyle would be there. And now thats all changed. I have some plans now for what to do with myself as far as work, but I'm still going to have to wait until spring now before I can move to NYC and until then I'm just sort of in this holding pattern.

And I mean none of that stuff is really all that bad, I'm sure everyone goes through some version of it at this point in their lives. It's just been made more difficult by the fact that I spent a year getting used to having someone I loved by my side every second of the day, and now they have completely disappeared from my life. So losing that support, that companionship, has been especially difficult. It's been a very lonely couple of weeks.

Everyone that I've talked to about this says that I just need some time and it will start to slowly get better. So far I haven't made much progress on that front, but I'm hoping that once I start working again I won't have so much time to dwell on it. Everyone just says that, quite frankly, its just going to suck for a while but eventually the sun will come out again. I'm trying very hard to believe them all, and try to see all these bad feelings I'm having as just a passing thing and not a permanent situation. I've never had to deal with anything like this before and there have been moments over the past few weeks when I've acted completely crazy, but I'm hoping those moments will get fewer and farther between. There are good days and bad days. Times when I think it's good that I don't have anything holding me back at this time in my life, and times where I feel completely lost without him. I'm realizing that I have some self-esteem issues that I need to deal with. And also that I need to stop blaming myself for what happened.

So basically I am definately not better in any way. But I have hope that eventually I will be better. It's a hard time, thats all, and I need to count on the people that really care about me: my friends, and my family. I need to get it through my own head that I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was and that someone better will come along eventually. Someone who can be as honest with me as I am with him.

So I wait. Wait for the sun to come out. Until then I work as much as I can so I can get to NYC as fast as I can. And try not despair. This too shall pass. It's only a matter of time.

Monday, October 26, 2009

new beginnings

The amazing and beautiful lauren moore has inspired me to start a blog of my own. I have decided that since I'm going to be moving around a lot in the next few years this will be a great way to keep everyone updated on whats been going on with me.

For the last two months I have been working for Great Lakes Theatre Festival as a dresser and actor (Lady in Waiting #2 in Twelfth Night) but the Fall Rep will be closing on Sunday and so I started the search for a new job today.

So you might be wondering what my master plan is these days... well I'll tell you. I was excepted into Shakespeare and Company's Month- long intensive program, and that starts December 29th so as of right now my immediate goal is to figure out a way to pay for it. In total it costs 4,200 dollars (Yikes I know) and I was able to pay for the first half out of my savings from working in Idaho this summer and my Great Lakes job. Not quite sure where the other half is coming from as of yet. I am trying to apply for a scholarship that will cover the second half but haven't really been able to find a lot of info on it. If I cant get that then the plan is to get another job and work as much as possible before December 29th to get enough to pay for it, and to pay for my student loan payments that start in january (eep!) plus insurance of various kinds until I get back and can get another job.

Upon my return from Massachusettes (home of shakes&co.) I plan to try to find another job of any kind and save up some more copious amounts of money so that in the spring I can move to NYC! That won't be until May though now since I'm hoping to wait until the class of 2010 graduates so i can live with Ryan Jagru and some other people.

And from there... I geuss we'll just see what happens. I'm still planning to audition for A Midsummer Night's Dream at Great Lakes but am not holding my breath at this point to get that job. I think going to New York is just what I need right now though. I have discovered over the last 5 months that doing Wadrobe work is just not for me. I am entirely too self involved for it and it just makes me bitter that I have to dress actors and not get to act myself.

And the other reason I'm ready to leave- well, Kyle and I are finally over. And though I won't get into detail here of exactly what happened and why, suffice it to say that I'm mad and still hurting pretty badly about the whole thing. And what I really need to do now is pursue those things that I have always wanted to pursue and not worry about him anymore. If we were still together I never would have left for New York, so maybe this is the right thing to be happening. There's no longer any excuse not to go and give this whole acting thing a real try. Still, it hurts. Still, I'm lonely and insecure. But its time for something new now. Its just going to take some time to really start feeling good again. It only happened last monday so this whole last week has been a distaster of epic proportions. I've been a mess, I lost 4 pounds this week (not good let me assure you, I'm skinny enough as it is), but now I'm finally calming down. It helps that today I actually had a day off for the first time in two weeks- some time to sleep and collect my thoughts- look at things rationally.

Its going to be a while before I'm ok but it will happen eventually. I'm just trying to concentrate on the future right now and doing what I want to do with my life. There won't be anymore boys for a while though and I've got to learn to be ok with that. It's time to set out into the world alone and see what I find. The only scary part about that is the alone part, but in a few months hopefully it won't seem so scary anymore.

So this is a whole new beginning... I'll keep you posted.